Chapter Four: Simius Dei
Claudia and Gene Simians appeared before the monolith with which she was already familiar. She was still dressed in her pajamas—pictures of Winnie-the-Pooh covered about half of it. “Here we are. Now I leave you since I must be on my way.” Before Claudia could say anything, especially ask how to enter the monolith, Gene Simians vanished.
“Damn. How do I get in there again?” She touched the lukewarm surface, closed her eyes, and stepped forward. The familiar fish hook experience engulfed her and she found herself in the Chronosplane. “Just? Just Dice? Where are you?” Nobody answered her. “It’s me, Claudia.” Nothing was heard.
The nothing was all around her and she saw the familiar bumps and crevices on the nothing. Further into the Chronosplane she saw the table and chairs. She didn’t want to sit in the chair in case she got fired again. Stepping around the chairs and table she continued walking forward. A few feet, or a mile, into her journey, she hit something with her forehead. “Ow,” she said as she raised her hand to her forehead. But, on the way up to her forehead, her hand brushed against something familiar. “A knob? A knob in nothing?” She turned the knob and a rectangular shape of light appeared, like a door.
Claudia was amazed because she saw what was beyond this unearthly portal, or door. There were monkeys everywhere. Nowhere had she seen so many of them, walking upright and having conversations like human beings. “We’re not monkeys, and we were walking upright long before you Homo-Habilis decided to take up your tools. So, please don’t stare.” She couldn’t help but stare at the speaker. “No, no. She is a Homo-Sapiens because she has thought.” The second speaker had a feminine voice. A gay monkey, she thought to herself.
“Gay monkey? That’s a gay thing to say. I am a female simian. Anyway, all monkeys are gay.” The speaker walked away with an air of offense.
“I’m sorry,” she called out to the speaker.
“No need to apologize,” the female simian shot back. “You humans are mutated simians, so you don’t know better.”
“Claudia, I’m glad you found yourself here without my help. Sonoro, the accused, is already here and awaiting the trial. The Simian Circle of Elders is prepared to receive us in two hours. Until then, I’ll show you around our Chronosplane.”
“Thank you. One thing, though. After all this is over, my life will go back to normal, right? I’ll get my job back… or maybe you can help me get a better job. I think I’m owed at least that.”
“We’ll see what the Elders decide. Anyway, there are a lot of things I want to show you in the Chronosplane. Come, follow me.”
“Monkey see, monkey do,” she muttered to herself.
“May I remind you that we are all simians here? We are only letting you use the word monkey because you know no better. Understood?” Claudia nodded her head. She would cooperate in order to free herself of this mess. “Anyway, what makes you think you’re any different than us? You’re simian also.”
“Humans are not simians. We are Homo-Sapiens, which means that we are thinking homos.”
“I don’t think you meant it to come out that way, now, did you?”
Claudia thought for a second and realized that she had spoken too hastily. “Yes, what I meant is that we are talking… things. We are humans… no, what I mean is that we are descended from a species of animals and we developed thought.”
“Are you saying that humans are the only beings on your Earth that think? Are you sure you would bet your life on it?”
“Well, I wouldn’t go that far.”
“Then, you’re not sure what it means to be human. It seems that you can’t even define your own species. As I thought, thinking is wasted on you mutated simians.”
“Hey, no need for insults here. OK, OK, so I can’t define what a human is, but I bet my life that a biologist would know that.”
“How about a creationist? Would a creationist know how to define a human?”
“Well, since I’m a non-practicing Catholic, I should know that, shouldn’t I?” Claudia was digging deep into her thoughts to remember what she had been taught in church when she was young. She came up with nothing. “I guess a creationist would say that a human is the creation of God in his own image. That means that God looks like a human being. Except when he shows up to Moses, he seems to take on the form of a burning bush. Or the Apostle Paul, to whom he revealed himself as a beam of light. Is that right?”
Just Dice shook his head. “Paul had his eyes covered and he heard Jesus’ voice. He thought he saw a beam of light, but that’s all conjecture. Anyway, that doesn’t answer my question. Would you consider me a human? Or, better yet, if I were to call you on the phone, would you even question that I was not a human?”
“On the phone? Of course not, I wouldn’t be able to see you. But, if I close my eyes, I could pretend that you’re human. Is that the same thing?”
“Good enough. So, thinking doesn’t define humanity. Let’s start from the beginning, or the lowest rung on the biological chart: sapiens is your species; homo is your genus; hominidae is your family; primate is your order; mammalia is your class; chordata is your phylum; and animalia is your kingdom. Let me tell you now, to answer an earlier question you had asked, that from kingdom down to family, we are all in the same family,” he allowed himself a big smile. Seeing that she wasn’t smiling, nor showing any emotion, he continued, “So, you are an animal with a vertebrae, who is a mammal of the primate type who thinks. Basically, you are a thinking and talking monkey, which, in my opinion, makes you no different than I.”
Claudia had lost focus by the time he said that hominidae was her family. Coming from a liberal arts background, she had no concept of biological classification, no less its ramification. This made Just Dice’s monologue hard to follow. But, she did understand one thing, and that was when he said that she was a talking monkey. “Heresy,” was the only word she could say. “You are a heretic.”
“Heretic? That presupposes that I subscribe to your pre-established belief systems. How can a Buddhist become a Catholic heretic? The correct term is ‘infidel’.” He smiled again.
“You’re calling me a talking monkey? Look at you? You’re the monkey. Don’t call the kettle black.”
“I’m not calling the kettle black. Since you couldn’t define what a human was, I was merely trying to help. If you don’t want my help, so be it. Now, would you like to see the Chronosplane?”
“All right. Anything to get out of this monkey business.”
“Then, follow me.”
The path they were on was not paved, unlike a human path. Some green, grassy looking material covered the surface area of the walkway, and beyond the walkway was what seemed like blue water. Not like the water reflecting the blue sky, but like blue colored water. Yet, though it appeared liquid, it was solid. Some of the monkeys were running and playing on the surface without falling in. She gathered that those running and playing monkeys were children.
“What makes you think that?” Claudia could never understand how they could read her thoughts, and worse is that she could never get used to it.
“Are all you monkeys telepathic?”
“No, we are semi-empaths. Telepathic means that we would be able to project our thoughts to you, but we can’t do that. We can gather a hint of your thoughts by just looking at you. That’s what an empath does.”
“Oh, I didn’t know that. Well, we humans don’t run around and play like that once we get older. Adults play other games…”
“Like role-playing sex games, and capture the flag with bombs. Am I not right?”
“Uh, sort of. What I meant was that our children usually run around playing like that, or adults that we refer to as overgrown children.”
“So, you are saying that football, soccer, and basketball players are children, or overgrown adults?”
“No, no, that’s not what I meant… though some do behave like overgrown children. No, that’s not what I meant.”
“I am beginning to think that you can’t seem to define terms very well. Is that a common occurrence with your species?”
“All right, you smart monkey, then tell me what your children do.”
“We are all children until we pass on to the Greater Hegemony. We simians are children of the great Simiala Simitima, and Simius Dei is her prophet. She is the creator of this Chronosplane and she dwells on the Metaplane called the Greater Hegemony. When we get there, we become mature simians and we leave our childish behavior behind. Do you understand?”
“If I do understand you correctly, you’re saying that all of you are children.”
“That’s correct.”
“And I am being held here, or that my problems have all started because of some laws that monkey children have put together.”
“You’re getting it.”
She grabbed his neck. “I want nothing to do with childish laws! I don’t want a court full of adolescent monkeys making up cosmic laws and having humans judged by a monkey circus. Do you understand me?”
“Uh, Claudia, please let my neck go. I can explain the importance of this once we reach the temple of Simius Dei.” His voice came out in a high squeak.
Claudia noticed that the other monkeys were staring at her, and that some of them had not so friendly looks on their faces. “All right,” she said letting his neck go. “All right. But, it better be very important.”
“It is. I assure you.”
Sonoro sat on a very soft chair in his non-descript room. Looking out the window at nothing, he wondered when they would come for him. “Knock, knock,” said a voice from behind the door. He was ready for it this time.
“All right, who are you?”
“Gene,” said the voice.
“Gene! Gene!”
“No, you idiot, Gene Simians,” and the monkey appeared with a flourish. “You didn’t play the game.”
“Gene, please tell me what’s going on. I’m sorry, I won’t use that word too much. Explain to me these laws that I have broken. I don’t understand… the events occurring around me.” He was trying very hard not to use the word ‘what’ around these vicious monkeys.
“All right, settle down. You have been charged with Transgressional Transmigration. This means that you are one of the suspects that we believe has caused one of your own kind to be unstuck in space…”
“Yeah, yeah, Just Dice already explained all that to me. What’s going to happen to me?” Then he put his hands up in defense.
“You are to be tried to see if you are guilty of Transgressional Transmigration. The breaking of your low E string may have caused it, or it may have not. It is up to the Simian Circle of Elders to decide if that was the case. You are to defend yourself, but you have to do everything that I tell you to do. Understood?”
“Yes. Tell me… and I will do it.”
“OK. The first thing you have to do is to say that you are a very bad guitarist.”
“What?”
Gene Simians looked at the unconscious body of Sonoro and shook his head. “I guess we’ll continue this next time.”
Claudia and Just Dice reached the temple of Simius Dei. The temple was huge in its dimensions, probably covering a good acre of space, or time. Columns adorned its entrance in the style of Corinth architecture, and the doors were lace with what seemed gold interwoven with emeralds. “This is a beautiful temple. When was it built?”
“It was built in the second age of the Great Ape by Dahelish Duharma. He was our great leader until he was called to the Greater Hegemony. He laid down the ten precepts by which we have founded our civilization.”
“The hellish do harm? What kind of name is that?”
“Dahelish Duharma. It is the name of our leader. You talked of heresy, it is heresy to mispronounce his name. So, please be quite. Once we enter the temple, I’ll take you directly to the Tablets that hold the ten precepts and you shall see how important and relevant all this is to us.”
He guided her inside by holding the huge doors open for her. When she entered, she saw that a small receptacle awaited her. He took the lead and brought her to a big basin full of green liquid. Putting his hands in it, he splashed wildly until she and he were covered in the green stuff.
“Thank you, I needed a bath.”
“Just don’t say anything stupid. Our ways may be strange to you, but so are yours. Our preceptors will not take kindly to blatant insults to our ways of belief. So, for your sake, I would stay your tongue from sharp jabs at our ‘monkey business’ as you call it.” Claudia nodded her head in ascent.
Just Dice opened another set of doors that led into a great, big room full of gothic looking columns that spanned about a hundred or two hundred feet into the air. Green archways with blue walls contrasted with the magenta floors and the yellow tinted windows high up. Claudia’s mouth fell open as her eyes took all this in. She crossed the length of a football field to stop in front of a huge tablet made of marble with silver engravings.
“This is the Tablet with the ten precepts. Please read this and you will be enlightened to our ways.”
So, she read:
Precepts of Dahelish Duharma
1. They say that you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. What made you think the horse was thirsty in the first place?
2. They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Then, the road to heaven must be paved with evil intentions.
3. They say that shit happens. Of course it does. It’s a necessary biological function.
4. They say that you get what you pay for. What the hell did you pay for? And, why did you pay for it if you didn’t think you were getting what you were paying for?
5. They say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Obviously, those who say this come from Uranus.
6. They say that what goes around, comes around. Why do people keep stating the obvious.
7. They say that one bird in hand is worth two in the bush. I’d rather be in the bush than in my hand.
8. They say that some people like to toot their own horns. Well, would you want someone else to toot your horn?
9. They say that seeing is believing. So, blind people can’t believe?
10. They say that history repeats itself. Then, don’t lead your goddam horse to water!
She turned to Just Dice and burst out laughing. A door opened and two monkeys dressed in green robes stepped out. Just Dice turned to them and bowed to the ground. Claudia, seeing two monkeys dressed in green robes and appearing to be solemn about it, doubled over with laughter and fell to the ground.
Rising, Just Dice said to the newcomers, “She is a mutated simian. You must forgive her actions.”
“You know the rules of the Temple. You know that it applies to everyone. Ignorance is no excuse.”
Just Dice stared at Claudia writhing spasmodically on the ground. Her shrill, high pitched shrieks ringed within these hallowed halls. One of the monkeys handed him a long stick with a metal tip. Shaking his head, he took the stick and jabbed Claudia in the side with it. She stopped laughing and rolled over on to her back with a shocked look on her face.
“Have you heard the term, ‘Shock the Monkey’?” He said to her. Claudia couldn’t speak, nor could she move. Her eyes stared up at the three monkeys staring down at her. “All right, preceptors, take her away. I’ll be back for her before the trial.” The other two nodded and started dragging her away by her feet. Claudia cursed them in her mind because she had just washed her pajamas.
