10 Reasons why My Renders Suck

So, yesterday I was about to write a blog on "Why Agnostics Are Uneducated" when I found this blog post via a twitter feed: 10 Reasons Why Your Render Sucks. I thought about it and came to the conclusion that this guy is right! My renders do suck, and not just little, but sucks the big one. I wanted to contact this guy personally and thank him for showing me the light, but I decided that an homage blog post would be better, especially since no one is going to read this, maybe for except one person.

To prove his point I'm going to use one of my renders as an example of what he is talking about (if you haven't read the blog post yet, please do so before continuing or you'll be completely in the dark).

I'd like to critique this image in the ten steps outlined in that wondefully elucidating blog post, an apt criticism of why my renders really suck the big one.

1. There's no point: Yup, there's no point to this image at all. Even more, it defiantly tries not to make a point. I have no story to tell and definitely not selling anything, not even the monkey.
2. You use pre-made content: Yup, right again. Damn, why is this guy so smart. This is Darwin whom I bought at Content Paradise for an entire $1.99 last year, being the 150th anniversary of the publication of The Origin of Species by Charlie Darwin. As you can see, I can only use pre-made content because I'm artistically challenged.
3. You're copying something far more successful: Yet right again. 3D monkeys are everywhere, and lots of famous movies have used monkeys as characters. My image is unoriginal, lacks vision, and definitely doesn't do something that no one has done before.
4. You didn't plan it on paper first: Yes, and I'm regretting it now. I should have use premium, bleached, white artist paper, tons of it, to plan out this image. I should have used those wonderful markers that make my head dizzy and scribbled on and doodled out for days and days trying to come up with a perfect plan for this thing. Instead, I spent five minutes manipulating the joints on Darwin's slender fingers, then just let the render rip! That's what I get for being ecologically sound. I should be more environmentally destructive if I want to be a real artist.
5. It's cliché: Well, I guess this isn't a cave troll or a big breasted amazon warrior, but I do come close. Monkeys aren't original and they tend to be cliché. I should have thought of something more original, like a guy in paladin armour fighting a big breasted amazon warrior who has a pet cave troll. Now, that would have been something. But since I skipped points 1-4 so far, I was doomed to failure with this image.
6. It's a test render: Really? Man, and I thought using draft mode while rendering in Poser meant like I was drafting the image. I didn't realize it was a test render. Next time I'm going to up the ante a bit and set minimum shading to .9 and use 4 pixels sample and a raytracing value of 2. That'll probably make this render just a bit better.
7. It's poorly lit: No way! I thought this was badly lit.
8. You don't realise it sucks: Well, no duh! I didn't read this blog post until I had put a million renders online. If I would have known my renders sucked, I would have kept it down to a few thousand. After reviewing steps 1-7, now I realize this image really does suck, the big one I mean.
9. It's boring architecture: I'm not sure I understand this one because I'm under educated in the art sense. But I think what this is implying is to make a building out of monkeys. Wow, maybe that'll make my renders beautiful: Monkey State Building.
10. It's overly post-processed: I guess I should stop putting my logos on my images, especially after I bevel, drop shadow, feather, render clouds and do lighting effects. This reminds me, need to make a mental note: get rid of Photoshop, Gimp and RageArt and just use Microsoft's Paint program. That'll keep post-processing to a minimum.

After re-reading that blog post about 10 times, I needed to get back and make this image better. So, I decided to re-do it using the methods outlined above, and this is what I came up with:

It still needs lots of work but I think I'm 1 pixel closer. After all, most 3D images out there are done by those damn hobbyists, and amateurs, who think it's much more fun to play with the programs than do actual art. How dare they! Also, point number 2 really hit my soft spot and made me cry. How right, I should make my own objects instead of supporting another stupid artist by giving her/him money for pre-made content. I was so blind. Since using primitive types is also using pre-made content, I'm going to write my own 3D program and be a real artist. I'm going to call it Elitist Pig 3D. Then, I'll be a real 3D artist and not just a wanna be. I'll finally be able to separate myself from those damn hobbyists and amateurs and finally make some good, clean art...

...

Idiot.